And so we begin...

There have been so many moments over my lifetime, things that defy reason. Hundreds of experiences before I was 35, which seemed to be the year that I knew I was more than just skin, muscle, bone and an attitude. Age 25 is when I died and age 35 is when I woke up.

Before I was 25 I always said 'I don't get mad, I don't get even, I get one a head'. With an attitude like that very few people messed with me more than once. At 25 I was angry and still somehow was kind. I seemed to be positive and had a passion for life that psychologist and psychiatrist could not explain.

When I went to college I came home with my tail between my legs, my spirit severely damaged and had nightmares so severe that the neighbors two doors down called the police because I screamed like someone was killing me. I became afraid to sleep, lost weight and withdrew. I was sent to a psychologist and they put me though a 12 hour series of test and found that I was having a bad reaction to a drug that had been slipped in to my drink.

The LSD and the reaction to the drug plus what happened during the time the drug was introduced into my tequila -sunrise created a severe depression. I will be forever grateful for having the 12 hours of testing. I was diagnosed with a personality disorder called point of reference; meaning I felt people looked at me when I walked into a room. I was not psychotic, neurotic, or schizophrenic. In all fairness I did think people looked at me though! I had natural highlights in my hair of auburn, brown, blond and gold. My hair was almost to my waist and I had an incredible figure and I was bold! The psychiatrist helped me put things into perspective; they even thanked me for surviving my family. (A story that would make Danielle Steele's books seem boring.)

My story of the AHA! moment actually has three chapters. 1) Coming home from college, getting psychiatric help, 2) A head on collision with a Mac truck - fully loaded with Caterpillar parts. Dying then being revived, my 25th year and 3) Being asked to re-awaken my psychic gift at age 35.

A quick disclaimer, I realize some people in my past and in my present may have slightly different memories of things that happened. This is what I remember.

In 1980 I left Illinois State in Bloomington Normal for good. I had had a brutal 2 years of education at the University. Before going off to ISU I was friendly, vivacious, fun and I was interested in what some might call the occult. I believed passionately in God or a power higher than myself. I did not believe in Angels, Unicorns, Fairies, I hoped the Loch Ness monster and the Yeti were real! I believed in ghost and ets and esp. from personal experiences. I had two years study in the Science of Mind, Religious Science and had planned on becoming a Science of Mind Minister. After my second year at ISU I changed. I had been slipped LSD in my tequila sunrise.

The day after the experience I drove myself home, the long 45 min drive to Morton Illinois. My parents knew immediately that I was not alright. Six weeks after returning home my parents were at wits end. I would not sleep and if I did I always woke up screaming.

One night I planned my suicide. Ann Landers had always said if you feel suicidal wait one more day and it will change. I planned, I knew I had my first psych meeting in the next week I just did not want to wait...life was too mean, unkind; in my mind I would never trust men again. My shrink was to be a man. Like he was going to understand what I had been through!

I wrote my plan out and went to sleep...the Dream really changed my life for ever...check back later to read the dream!

Tamara